…and how to handle it when you hear it!

Psychotherapist Sophie Papageorgis lives with PH and has heard her fair share of ignorant comments and questions. Here, she explains how you can protect your mental health if you come across them too.

I was inspired to create this list with a few friends who have PH or heart conditions, or have been in my life for a long time – and therefore witnessed some of these comments. Often this will be after yet another incident where I am challenged for using a disabled parking bay – despite having a blue badge up.

The bit that really grinds my gears is the assumption and rudeness with which people seem to feel it is acceptable to approach with, and it does make me wonder what happened to a bit of kindness in the world.

Anyway, here is a list of nuggets which my friends and I pulled together. I wonder if there are others that PHighters have experienced?

At the end of the list, you can read my tips for reducing the upset these types of comments can cause. After all, we may not be able to control what people say and do, but we can control how we react.

“You look well”

“You look dreadful”

“You’re blue, are you cold?”

“Where did you get your lipstick?” (I like this one)

“This is a DISABLED bay for DISABLED people”

“Is it safe to climax?”

“Why don’t you have children?”

“You don’t need the lift, you can use the stairs”

“Are you allowed to do that?”

“Do you think you’ll live long enough?”

“Is it fair to have kids when you are unwell?”

“Can’t you just take medicine for that?”

“You’re too young to be this tired”

“Wait until you’re my age, then you’ll know what tiredness is”

“Is it catching?”

“You’re out of shape”

“Do some more exercise”

“Don’t be lazy”

“There’s nothing very typical about you, is there?”

“You sound like a train puffing away”

“It’s psychological”

“It’s stress-related”

“If you just get out more, you’ll feel better”

“Stop making a fuss, you look alright”

“Just take a walk”

“Don’t think about it”

“You’re so lucky you have a disabled badge”

“I wish I could get a free carer ticket like you do”

“When I was your age I was doing way more than you”

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for a bit of positive mental attitude. And sometimes people say things from a good place, or a curious place, or an ignorant place. But personally, I find it really difficult not to take comments like these offensively. It can lead to us feeling judged, misunderstood, and more alone. It can take its toll on our mental health. So what can we do about it?

Firstly, we can’t control other people, or make them want to change. The only thing we can control is how we react. It can be very difficult to stay calm if you feel angry or hurt by what others have said or how they have acted. Trying to keep the urge to fight back or withdraw under control can be tricky. We can spend a lot of energy feeling hurt and resentful, often justifiably, but when energy is already on the low side, is this the best use of it?

Putting it into healing and self-care is much more useful. Learning about ourselves, and why comments like this can be so triggering and upsetting, is a strong first step towards understanding and letting it go. It makes sense why it would hurt us, and by recognising and naming it, we can put our emotional energy into compassion towards ourselves, rather than getting grumpy about pointless passing comments from people who don’t have a clue what it’s like. And being the bigger person is always so much more satisfying!

  • You can read about Sophie’s own experiences of PH here