How music rescued me

“I’ve always kept all my emotions in, locking them inside, along with any stress I experienced. I would never show how I was feeling – I’d just push it all down, dust myself off, and keep on going.

The COVID-19 lockdown was the first time I didn’t have responsibility for somebody, or expectations to do something for somebody, so I let all my walls down that I’ve had up since I was a child. It was September 2021 and I had a breakdown. My anxiety and depression were off the chart, to the extent that for the first time I asked for help.

I was a few months into my therapy  when in February 2022 I was taken ill with a chest infection. I couldn’t get rid of it, even after three courses of antibiotics, and I could hardly breathe – I couldn’t walk two steps without gasping for air. I already live with a disability caused by an accident in 2007, so I walk with a stick and live with a lot of pain. It made things very difficult.

In the June of 2022 I ended up being sent for a chest X-ray and an echocardiogram at my local hospital, and at this point I was unable to go anywhere on my own as my anxiety and depression levels were so high.

My friend came to all my medical appointments with me. She asked the questions, because I always felt unable to. I didn’t have a voice; I was unable to make decisions.

I had never heard of pulmonary hypertension when the doctor told me it was what they suspected. I was already spinning, just from being in the hospital. I was sent home and I spent a lot of time looking it up on the internet and reading about a life expectancy of five years. I fell right down that rabbit hole.

I was told the PH diagnosis could only be confirmed after a right heart catheter at a specialist centre in London, which felt a long way from my home in Eastbourne.

Whilst I was waiting for the appointment for this test, and waiting to start treatment, I started to do a couple of things just for me, on the advice of my therapist. I started violin lessons and decided to take care of my diet and nutrition. It was my first step towards taking control.

I started doing chair yoga and meditation, and I stopped the volunteering I did that was causing me stress. All of this helped – I had more energy, and my breathing felt easier.

My mental health problems were still there, but the biggest change for me came out of nowhere, and all because I pushed the wrong button on my phone.

It was September 2022, and I had started trying to do some things on my own. To help me while shopping alone, I’d wear earphones to enable me to speak to friends or family on the phone to help keep me calm. I was in the supermarket one day, and I accidentally pressed the wrong button on my phone – meaning music played through the earphones instead. 

I kept it on and I didn’t have a panic attack; in fact, I ended up spending an hour in the shop – which for me was amazing. When I got back in the car and turned the radio on, the same song played again. It was ‘Bigger than me’ by Louis Tomlinson, who used to be in One Direction, and that track changed everything for me.

I had no idea who Louis was, but I immediately needed to find out everything about him and his music.  I downloaded every song Louis had released, both as a solo artist and as part of the band. That one song changed the entire course of my life.

I signed up for singing lessons, as I thought singing would help my lungs too, and I was encouraged by my singing teacher to start writing my own songs, which was like journalling, and it enabled me to get things out.

By the time I had the appointment for my right heart catheter, I had started using music regularly to help me get through things.

I had it playing low through my earphones as I entered the hospital building, accompanied by my friend. I was feeling very anxious and agitated, and I had a long wait, so the music helped.

The time for me to go in for the procedure came, and I was told by the doctor who prepped me that it would be fine for me to wear my earphones whilst it was happening. However, when it came to it, the nurse told me to remove them. I lay waiting for the procedure in silence, with no music on, and my anxiety went through the roof.

I was trembling from head to toe, with tears running down my cheeks, and I couldn’t even speak. I was like a jelly on a plate, and it was impossible for them to administer the anaesthetic. The doctor ordered them to give the earphones back and by the end of the song that was playing, I was as calm as anything. It was a switch being flicked.

The PH was confirmed in November 2022, and I was started on medication. Music started to become an even bigger part of my life, as it helped me come to terms with the diagnosis.

In 2023 I decided I would go and see Louis in concert; the first concert of my life, on my 50^th birthday. I then heard that Harry Styles was performing at Wembley so I booked tickets for that too.

In 2024 I started learning the piano and guitar too, and I agreed to perform at a concert organised by my singing and piano teachers. I sang ‘This town’ by Niall Horan. He was also a member of One Direction, and I discovered him through researching Louis Tomlinson. I discovered the other members too, including Harry Styles – and learning about him taught me to express myself more through my clothing, because that’s what he does. I changed my wardrobe and it changed the way I saw myself.

I stood up at that concert and sang in front of the other students and their families, and it was a long way from not being able to leave the house alone. I then did a piano performance – after only five lessons – and although I was trembling head to toe, I got through it.

I carried on songwriting and playing and listening to music, and despite some setbacks in my personal life, my confidence continued to grow.

I went to my first music festival in 2024, a progression from just a concert. I went alone, because my (former) friends said I wouldn’t cope with it, and I wanted to prove them wrong. I connected with other fans on social media and met up with them there, and they looked after me for the whole day. They were so supportive.

I met Louis Tomlinson at the festival that day, and all I could say was ‘thank you for your music’.

I thought I would hurt the next day. I thought I would be tired, and ache, and have to rest. But all I felt was free – because I had done it. I had gone to a music festival alone. I might have PH, another physical disability with the pain in my leg, and anxiety and depression, but I had done it.

When former One Direction member Liam Payne died towards the end of 2024 it helped me understand feelings. It hit me hard, because I had never let myself  ‘feel’ when people close to me had died before. It made me understand the death of family over the years and a lot of things started to make sense.

I started to listen to other bands and went to see one of them – The Mercians – perform in Brighton (again, on my own). I got to chat with them, and it seemed to spark something in me, inspiring me to go back to college and take courses in confidence-building and podcasting.

My music became my passion, and that helped me to set a goal. Because I’m unable to work, and I don’t know how long my health will last, I set short-term goals. I want to start my own podcast and YouTube channel to help give singers and musicians a voice – just like music gave me a voice too.

It will involve me travelling around the country to visit them, which will push me out of my comfort zone. But it’s a challenge, and that’s what PH is too. It’s a challenge every day, because you don’t know what’s going to happen. You can medicate it, but you can’t control how it makes you feel.

In November 2025, I went one step further with my singing and performed a song I had written myself at a concert organised by my teacher. I now take piano and guitar lessons weekly, and music helps me deal with both my PH and other issues, such as the poor health of my father. I try not to overload myself though.

Music has helped me deal with everything. It’s helped me realise what I can control, and what I can’t. It’s opened my horizons. It’s helped me find people that are more accepting and supportive of me – the real me.

Previously, the only way I could attend medical appointments was to have music constantly playing in my ears. Now, I don’t need it on all the time. I’m able to talk to people in the waiting room, and engage with medical staff, and that’s a big progression. Music really is a healer.

One doctor did one X-ray and saved my life. Louis Tomlinson did one song and changed my life. The little things we do in this world make the biggest difference.

Music helped me come to terms with PH and find my identity. It has helped to me to see PH  as an opportunity to live with clarity and focus, not just fear. It’s encouraged me to live intentionally and look up rather than down.

I fight every day. I fight to get up, I fight my PH, I fight my disability, I fight my mental health, and I fight what’s going on around me. But I keep doing it; and that’s all because of music and because of the support I now have around me.

I’ve come a long way and my PH team at the Royal Free Hospital have been a really important part of that journey. I can’t thank them enough for persevering with me, encouraging me, and being there for me. It was their suggestion to share my story in this way.

Recently, I’ve re-connected with others in my life and they have also helped me grow stronger within myself, regain my confidence, and find my voice. I couldn’t ask for a better support system now.”