‘The In-Patient’ – a poem by Brian Phillips
PHA UK member Brian penned this poem following an emergency admission to hospital, when he was eventually diagnosed with CTEPH.
He wanted to share it to help raise a smile during these uncertain times.
By Brian Phillips, August 2012
Shove this on your finger,
While I stick this in your ear.
Don’t move off the bed, Sir,
Have I made myself, quite clear?
Here’s a push to call me,
Takes, say, half-an-hour a throw,
So for bottle or a bedpan,
Better plan your need go.
Don’t pull off the wires.
Makes the monitor upset.”
(It’s got two signals, Loud and Quick,
I hear the damn chimes yet!)
It’s got three channels on its screen,
Pulse, Oxygen and Breath.
With space for yet another,
But I guess it isn’t set.
Pulse and Oxygen, I can’t control,
And generally, they’re fine,
But if I’m feeling naughty,
Hold my breath and then ………… Flatline!
You ought to see them run about.
Like anthill overturned,
But when the chaos does subside,
Well! Then my ears get burned.
“I’ve got this needle for your tum,
And this one’s for your arm,
Let’s not forget your thighs and bum,
Won’t do them any harm!
“Sharp scratch coming.” Mercy me,
I just don’t need to know.
I much preferred the older school,
Who came to jab and go!
“Can I listen to your chest?
Mmmm. Sounds, clear as a bell,
Tuned to Radio One, I think,
As near as I can tell.
Silly me, I’ve used me iPod
Not me stethoscope,
All these gadgets look the same.”
(That really bolsters hope!)
They sent me for a CAT Scan,
But the Puss I didn’t suss,
The Operators ran and hid.
(Should I make some sort of fuss?)
But after all the pokes and prods,
The diagnosis comes.
(Blood clots in the Lungs.)
So now I’m on the Warfarin,
To take the Clots away,
But I’m the biggest Clot of all.
I hope it lets ME stay.